Flingless
It turns out that I'm not really capable of having a fling, at least not right now. Maybe not ever. I have nothing left over to give someone else right now. I'm trying to make up for the 15 years that I ignored myself, and this doesn't leave much room for any of the stuff that comes from any kind of romantic relationship, temporary or not: all of the when are we going to hang out stuff, the my place or yours stuff, the whose dogs get ignored for 10 hours while we hang out stuff, the obligation to check in constantly because by sleeping together we somehow magically became attached to each other stuff. Amazingly, I have no desire to use a person I care about for my own selfish desires. It would backfire anyway. Because for the first time in the adult shrew life, I actually respect someone I'm attracted too. I feel like this is someone I could potentially have a not completely fucked up relationship with, but I can't do it now. And instead of getting into it because of my low self-esteem or some kind of twisted attempt to not hurt him, I just told him I can't do it. This is the first time I've EVER done anything like this. He listened and understood, in the way that he very often listens and understands. There was a good deal of hugging. And then we took our dogs for a really long walk. And then I went home and cried for about 2 hours.
So no smooching for now. It really is ok. (Am I convincing anyone?) I've been made aware that maybe, as a divorcee with a crappy track record, I can still be attractive to people who have their shit together. I may, in fact, have my shit together. And I have a new friend. And soon I'll be gone gone gone.
And I still have a lot of dead crushes to write. Any votes: Joseph Cornell, Frank O'Hara, or Charles Addams (creator of the Addams Family comic)?
So no smooching for now. It really is ok. (Am I convincing anyone?) I've been made aware that maybe, as a divorcee with a crappy track record, I can still be attractive to people who have their shit together. I may, in fact, have my shit together. And I have a new friend. And soon I'll be gone gone gone.
And I still have a lot of dead crushes to write. Any votes: Joseph Cornell, Frank O'Hara, or Charles Addams (creator of the Addams Family comic)?
posted by Julia Story at 5:54 AM
4 Comments:
All three of them, don't you think?
For some reason, I also thought of Bessie Smith. She's currently my crush (I guess because I thought of Frank O'Hara, then about his Billie Holliday poem, then about blues women, then about Bessie). I've always wanted to write a happy story about Bessie Smith and rainy days.
You're my hero.
There are things that I should probably say here so as not to sound as though I'm ignoring the large amount of emotion and whatnot in this post, but I'll send you an email to do that, and merely say that, given our time spent on community radio discussing a crush I've had since I was 17, you know my vote.
Ohh...my grandpa used to say things like that too. Except he would call me "Pete." Thanks...of course, now we have to figure out how to be just friends. Every time I try to make something black and white, it gets all technicolor on me. So I'll just go back to dead people for a while.
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