A Long Rambling Christmas Card To Myself (and in praise of people who make me feel like I suck less: thank you)
I’ve completely forgotten about Christmas this year, which has been magically wonderful. The only times I’m reminded of it are when I see other peoples’ Christmas trees through their windows, or when a student says something about the holiday. My very caring twin offered to let me chip in on the gifts she and her husband are buying for our family this year, so I didn’t even need to go Christmas shopping. I’m skipping Christmas with my family to help my friend NU (who is as much as family member to me as any of them, anyway) move to New England, which happens to be the cutest and most Christamasy place on earth. But it will be ok if I’m with her. I just can’t deal with any “special” moments around a Christmas tree as everyone reminisces about the last year. Last year at this time I was a newlywed, in love, very happy most of the time. This year is different. My heart is broken. Every thing is wrong. I look at my family and feel so far away from them. I love them but I can’t be around them. My brother just got married too. I can’t be around that because I just got married. I just got married. I’m still a newlywed, only soon I won’t be married anymore. Sometimes I just want to disappear into whatever ether has sucked up Mr. C. It’s like he doesn’t exist anymore. Poof. No more husband. Poof. No more shrew. Not kill myself. Just go away for a while. Come back when my skin has grown back. I am currently skinless, though it’s growing back in very sore patches.
It will help a great deal to send NU off into her new adventure. To be around a different family. And then go off to the state I’ll live in soon, too. The next few months are going to suck here without her. But I’m going to use the time to figure out what I need to do in order to be ready to leave. Thinking about the life and the new start that awaits me excites me terribly. My new life as a divorced person. I never thought I would be that person, but I guess no one does. And I never thought I’d want to date a divorced person, but now I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want to date someone who WASN’T divorced. How to explain all of that crap to someone who hasn’t been through it. Not that I’ll be ready to date any time soon. But I’m looking forward to DATING, to trying out different kinds of people. No immediate boyfriends ever again.
It is weird not to buy gifts for Mr. C this year (yeah, he’s a choad but I still love him—arrggh, it’s so frustrating). You can’t just turn it off…five months ago I was still allowed to care about him as I had done for the last four years. Everyday there are things I want to tell him, show him, discuss with him. So I guess I need extra gifts for myself this year. I’m totally broke, so I’m just going to give myself the gift of being nice to myself (and maybe a few things from Anthropologie which I can charge). If I feel like having a breakdown, I’m just going to let myself. If I need to be alone, I’m going to do that. One of the many wonderful things about NU is that she accepts me for who I am. I know that sounds cheesy, but it is such a rare quality. I think I’ve said that about people before, but it’s hard to really mean it. With her, I really mean it. I know I can go off alone when I’m with her, and she won’t be hurt or take it personally or any of the other responses that my family often has. When I’m with her I can be bitchy or nice or whatever and she’s just like, Yep, that’s shrew. She never tells me how to feel, she just lets me feel. I can’t tell you what a gift this has been, especially after living with someone who did the opposite.
Several days after Mr. C left, when I hadn’t eaten or slept in that amount of time, when I spent my hours staring at my computer screen with a pounding heart and tears in my eyes, I went with NU to get some food (which I probably didn’t eat). I remember babbling to her about something at the salad bar, and to whatever her kind and patient response was, I said “I wish you were my boyfriend,” and I truly meant it. I guess what my relationship with her and with other good friends has taught me is that I am actually capable of having loving relationships. I haven’t had one yet with someone with whom I’m romantic, but I no longer think it’s impossible. Being around NU makes me feel like I don’t suck completely. Everyone should try to fill their lives with as many people like this as possible. Or at least one or two, in addition to the people you kiss if you have a kisser in your life. I think this trip with her is probably the best gift I could give myself. And even though she’s leaving, like a lot of people I care about have, she’ll still be there. She won’t go into the ether and I won’t have to either.
It will help a great deal to send NU off into her new adventure. To be around a different family. And then go off to the state I’ll live in soon, too. The next few months are going to suck here without her. But I’m going to use the time to figure out what I need to do in order to be ready to leave. Thinking about the life and the new start that awaits me excites me terribly. My new life as a divorced person. I never thought I would be that person, but I guess no one does. And I never thought I’d want to date a divorced person, but now I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want to date someone who WASN’T divorced. How to explain all of that crap to someone who hasn’t been through it. Not that I’ll be ready to date any time soon. But I’m looking forward to DATING, to trying out different kinds of people. No immediate boyfriends ever again.
It is weird not to buy gifts for Mr. C this year (yeah, he’s a choad but I still love him—arrggh, it’s so frustrating). You can’t just turn it off…five months ago I was still allowed to care about him as I had done for the last four years. Everyday there are things I want to tell him, show him, discuss with him. So I guess I need extra gifts for myself this year. I’m totally broke, so I’m just going to give myself the gift of being nice to myself (and maybe a few things from Anthropologie which I can charge). If I feel like having a breakdown, I’m just going to let myself. If I need to be alone, I’m going to do that. One of the many wonderful things about NU is that she accepts me for who I am. I know that sounds cheesy, but it is such a rare quality. I think I’ve said that about people before, but it’s hard to really mean it. With her, I really mean it. I know I can go off alone when I’m with her, and she won’t be hurt or take it personally or any of the other responses that my family often has. When I’m with her I can be bitchy or nice or whatever and she’s just like, Yep, that’s shrew. She never tells me how to feel, she just lets me feel. I can’t tell you what a gift this has been, especially after living with someone who did the opposite.
Several days after Mr. C left, when I hadn’t eaten or slept in that amount of time, when I spent my hours staring at my computer screen with a pounding heart and tears in my eyes, I went with NU to get some food (which I probably didn’t eat). I remember babbling to her about something at the salad bar, and to whatever her kind and patient response was, I said “I wish you were my boyfriend,” and I truly meant it. I guess what my relationship with her and with other good friends has taught me is that I am actually capable of having loving relationships. I haven’t had one yet with someone with whom I’m romantic, but I no longer think it’s impossible. Being around NU makes me feel like I don’t suck completely. Everyone should try to fill their lives with as many people like this as possible. Or at least one or two, in addition to the people you kiss if you have a kisser in your life. I think this trip with her is probably the best gift I could give myself. And even though she’s leaving, like a lot of people I care about have, she’ll still be there. She won’t go into the ether and I won’t have to either.
posted by Julia Story at 7:56 AM
2 Comments:
I've been keeping up with your blog, and thinking a lot about you. I wonder, would you be willing to come spend a weekend with me sometime during the new year? I would come see you, but I share a car with someone who doesn't like to share, so my travel opportunities are limited these days, but I'd love, love to see you any time. And you could bring the dog. My cat wouldn't mind at all.
I would like to see you too, but it's hard for me to leave right now, also, unfortunately (work and soon I'll be teaching a weekend class). I wish somehow I could come pick you up and bring you back here! Maybe this spring?
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