Tuesday, January 17, 2006

How do you know if your lawyer is dead?

I think maybe my lawyer died. She won't return my calls or emails. Usually I do everything in my power to avoid contacting her, as the prices she charges seem more appropriate for sexual acts than for reading an email and taking a file out of a drawer. But I may not need to pay her for these transactions, because she's probably dead.

I think the degree to which I desire to be divorced now is causing me to panic. I actually thought about checking the obituaries in the local paper on my way back to work, just to make sure she hadn't died. Maybe she's just really busy. But I hired her to make my life easier, not to panic more. There is already enough panic in my life. I wish now to take back all of the bragging I have done about her.

If you see her, please tell her I would like to get divorced, preferably in this lifetime. She is fairly young, has glasses and talks way too much. Hmm, kind of like my ex-husband (or HUSBAND I should say, since her disappearance is forcing me to remain married). I knew he was involved somehow. He probably had her killed so he could get my measly savings account. And the shower head. Or maybe they met and realized that their similar hipster glasses and talents for interrupting people meant that they should be together forever and he dumped the chipmunk photographer and they ran away to wherever losers run away to, and she decided that because of this she can no longer represent me fairly and has dumped me just like he dumped me.

Or maybe I just need a longer vacation.

2 Comments:

Blogger LCALeasure said...

Shrew. Don't forget it was MLK day. maybe she was out, like a banker or a university employee. No one ever works anymore.
Me neither. I got it off too.

where do losers run away to? Cleveland? Kansas City? (my evil brother is there)

9:25 PM  
Blogger Julia Story said...

Definitely somewhere in Ohio, which is somehow even worse than here.

But something is definitely wrong with the lawyer. She didn't send me a bill last month and hasn't replied to the email I sent two weeks ago. A lawyer who doesn't want money is most likely a dead or MIA lawyer.

5:52 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home