Friday, July 14, 2006


I haven't written about a dead dude in weeks, I realize--maybe even months. My brain and time have been focused on the various closures I'm trying to experience--the house goodbye, the therapist goodbye, the ex-husband goodbye (sans ex-husband), the town goodbye, the neighborhood goodbye, the grad school memory goodbye, the job goodbye (and within that, the office goodbye and co-worker goodbye) and the friend goodbye. I don't really have too many friends left here, but I do have neighbors with whom I kind of socialize on a regular basis. I'll miss their dogs and when we all go out to put our recycling out and then talk until it's dark. I'm honestly not really going to miss very much else--maybe seeing my little dog run through the cemetery. And seeing my therapist. I will miss my little house routine, though I predict that memories of this will depress me in several months. That's pretty much all I'll miss.

Leaving is weird because I don't really have anything specific to look forward to. I do look forward to seeing my twin and NU on a regular basis. I look forward to not feeling terrified every time I leave my house (at least if I do feel terrified, it will be for different reasons than here). I look forward to mystery, I guess. Mystery without a paycheck or forwarding address. If I hadn't started over in so many places already, I would see this more as an adventure. I don't see it as an adventure; I see it as moving, which is hard work. I'm glad I'm doing it, but I feel more tired than elated when I think about it. I never thought I would pack up this house alone and move somewhere by myself. Sometimes I'm just like, goddamnit, where's my goddamn boyfriend? But that's mostly only when I get really tired. Regression. Sometimes I just want to lie back and feel someone's arms around me, as cheesy as that sounds. That's the only thing I truly miss, and it's not worth sacrificing everything I have alone for that. And plus, I'll probably have that again someday. It's weird to think I'll fall in love with someone else at some point.

So anyway, Jesus. I didn't mean to go all Felicity on you. I'll probably disappear for a while. Today is my last day of work, and after I leave I don't expect to really feel like going near a computer for a while, until I'm forced into office dronedom again. But I don't plan to give up the blog permanently. When you hear from me again it will be because I'm somewhere else. With a scabby new tattoo and hair that needs cutting. And maybe a little vial of elation stored somewhere inside me.