The Astral Plane a.k.a. Procrastination Rears its Ugly Head in a List that contains way too much information

One thing that was kind of cool but also not cool about being married was that there was usually someone around to make out with, even if you weren’t really that attracted to the person anymore. Also, you didn’t have to worry about it being “good” or anything, as they signed a piece of paper saying they would do you forever (at least this is how my marriage appeared to work). One thing that is cool about not being married is that you can do whoever you want, as long as you can convince them that it’s a good idea. One thing that is not so cool about not being married, especially in a town where you’re not really sure where to find unattached people your age who will understand that you do not want a RELATIONSHIP, especially when you’ve just gone off the pill and suddenly your hormones are back along with the depressingly ironic increased risk of the thing the pill is supposed to prevent, is that you spend a lot of time thinking about your imaginary boyfriends. Which I guess is ok. Not “cool,” but just kind of how it is. It seems better than making the list I’ve been compiling in my head of people I think I could convince to have a make-out-only relationship with me. Because let me make this clear: I want no part of a real boyfriend (well, parts are fine, I just don’t want a boyfriend). So in honor of this weird state I’m in (I haven’t been single in nearly 10 years, people—10 YEARS), I’ve compiled a different kind of list. The list of all of the imaginary boyfriends I’ve had in my life to date, in order of their occurrence, though many have had reoccurrences over the years (please see Dead Crush #3 for explanation of Imaginary Boyfriend). I believe this list probably began in about 1982. Please rest assured that I’m not currently thinking of all of these boyfriends. Data, for example: I’m not so into him anymore (although he’s probably about my age now and most likely very cute). Also, the list does not include the nonfamous imaginary boyfriends. There are 40 boyfriends here: symbolizing the 40 days and nights Christ or whoever suffered in the desert or wherever, or the similar months I have gone without smooching. You will notice trends. You’ll see here proof that I am a shallow, objectifying asshole, and I will not argue with you if you accuse me of this. And if all of this makes you too uncomfortable, please look the other way. And yes, I promise not to hit on any of you if I see you in the near future…

1. Jason Bateman (the Silver Spoons years only)
2. Data from Goonies
3. Alex P. Keaton
4. Michael Jackson (youth through Beat It)
5. The guy who plays John Candy’s son in The Great Outdoors
6. Andrew McCarthy (in all movies but Weekend at Bernie’s I and II)
7. Ducky
8. James Spader (only when he plays a jerk, which is most of the time, I guess)
9. Robert Smith (fell in love in 8th grade after I saw him give a guided tour of his house on MTV)
10. Morrissey (really only my boyfriend in 1991—we were just friends after that)
11. Ian Curtis of Joy Division
12. The guy who kills himself in Dead Poets Society
13. The guy who played Joel Fleischman on Northern Exposure
14. The guy who played Chris on Northern Exposure
15. The guy who played Ed on Northern Exposure
16. Kyle McLachlan (as Agent Cooper and in Blue Velvet)
17. Bobby from Twin Peaks (but only briefly)
18. Bono (pre-Zoo TV—I believe I watched the Making of the Unforgettable Fire video no less than 10,000 times in high school)
19. The Edge
20. John Doe of X
21. Michael Ian Black from The State (more attractive now sans early 90s haircut)
22. Hugh Grant (cringe—but only in Merchant Ivory movies. More attractive with early 90s haircut)
23. Steve Malkmus of Pavement
24. Ad Rock of the Beastie Boys
25. Mike D of the Beastie Boys
26. Q-tip of A Tribe Called Quest
27. Rivers Cuomo of Weezer (I know, I know—the Japan fetish thing. But I can’t help it, I have a geek fetish)
28. Jarvis Cocker of Pulp (this boyfriend seems to come back repeatedly—though I saw pictures of him at John Peel’s funeral…not pretty)
29. The lead singers of most British bands from the years 1992-1996
30. Jonathan Richman of the Modern Lovers (The only imaginary boyfriend I’ve ever met—at the Ogunquit Ballroom in Ogunquit, ME. He signed a paper bag for me during several seconds of uninterrupted eye contact)
31. Billy Joe Armstrong of Green Day (I secretly love even new Green Day. Guess that’s not a secret anymore)
32. Buddy Holly? (I can’t explain this one)
33. George Harrison (pre-80’s)
34. Paul McCartney (pre-Wings)
35. Xander from Buffy (seasons 1 and 2 only)
36. Note long pause from imaginary boyfriends during the months/years I was actually in love with a real person
37. Elijah Wood
38. A semi-imaginary boyfriend as I imagined Sam from Freaks and Geeks as an older geek (I’m no pedophile)
39. Federico from Six Feet Under
40. Nate from Six Feet Under (though he sometimes bears an uncanny resemblance to one of my mean exes)
41. Gram Parsons