Hi, I'm Shrew and I'm Codependent.
Several months ago, I may have on several occasions used this phrase: "I will never be in a relationship again." It's the kind of thing you whip out when you're desperately miserable and for the 10 millionth time in a day your brain makes you think about your lame ex having intimate relations with his lame teacher. While I don't experience the jealousy I once did (you know, because they kind of deserve each other and the lame sex they're probably having), the above phrase has lately turned into "No, seriously. I will never be in a relationship again." There's not really any drama around it, it just seems like the only choice.
The main reason for this current choice (and I can't really say that I'll do ANYTHING forever or never again, including coffee, cigarettes, or trying on fake outfits in the H&M virtual dressing room) is that I just really can't see how I can be a completely authentic shrew when I have to share time and space with another needy human. I can't foresee the day when this seems like a good decision: to risk losing myself and forfeiting time and energy I now spend on my inner work. And I would be totally fine with this, if it weren't for the fact that there's this other part of me that likes to couple. It may be the whole twin thing. Or maybe it's biological. As much as I hate it (but also love it) there is this weird electricity right now between me and this guy. It doesn't matter if it's the right time, or if I want a relationship or not--the little lightning rods between us don't care about that. Ignoring the lightning rods feels unnatural, but so does giving into them. So right now we're just in this kind of holding pattern of "I like you I like you I like you...stay over there." I wouldn't even say it's sexual tension--more like a drawn-to-ness. He claims that he can sense when I walk by his house--that I broadcast myself somehow. And it pains (and intrigues) me to report that this little phenonmenon seems to work both ways.
Anyway, we're kind of dealing with the lightning rods on a day-by-day basis. My purpose here is to ask any interested reader a question: how (either now or previously) have you negotiated your time, space, and SELF in the midst of what I can't help but see as a soul-sucking endeavor? How do you remain your authentic self? How do you resist codependence in the face of the lightning rods? If anyone has stories or insights, I really am so curious about how other people have made this work. Lord knows I am clueless.
The main reason for this current choice (and I can't really say that I'll do ANYTHING forever or never again, including coffee, cigarettes, or trying on fake outfits in the H&M virtual dressing room) is that I just really can't see how I can be a completely authentic shrew when I have to share time and space with another needy human. I can't foresee the day when this seems like a good decision: to risk losing myself and forfeiting time and energy I now spend on my inner work. And I would be totally fine with this, if it weren't for the fact that there's this other part of me that likes to couple. It may be the whole twin thing. Or maybe it's biological. As much as I hate it (but also love it) there is this weird electricity right now between me and this guy. It doesn't matter if it's the right time, or if I want a relationship or not--the little lightning rods between us don't care about that. Ignoring the lightning rods feels unnatural, but so does giving into them. So right now we're just in this kind of holding pattern of "I like you I like you I like you...stay over there." I wouldn't even say it's sexual tension--more like a drawn-to-ness. He claims that he can sense when I walk by his house--that I broadcast myself somehow. And it pains (and intrigues) me to report that this little phenonmenon seems to work both ways.
Anyway, we're kind of dealing with the lightning rods on a day-by-day basis. My purpose here is to ask any interested reader a question: how (either now or previously) have you negotiated your time, space, and SELF in the midst of what I can't help but see as a soul-sucking endeavor? How do you remain your authentic self? How do you resist codependence in the face of the lightning rods? If anyone has stories or insights, I really am so curious about how other people have made this work. Lord knows I am clueless.
posted by Julia Story at 5:25 AM
3 Comments:
You know, somehow I am now in what seems to been a strangely healthy relationship. I am far from expert, but here are my initial observations about what's working this time:
1. we're both committed to doing our own inner work.
2. we only get together twice weekly *three times maximum
3. we have a common interest (writing) that allows us to focus on something other than coalescing.
4. We knew each other for 3 months prior to becoming physically intimate.
these things so far seem to be allowing me head space for my work, my writing and the rest of life (friends, meetings etc)
Of course it could crash into a codependent blob in an instant.
I'll keep you posted.
I think the 3 month thing may be the key! I've heard this from someone else. That seems to be the amount of time it takes to realize whether you're really compatible, and not just lusting. Actually, everything here seems to be key.
I'm really impressed by you.
Shrew,
I think I turn even potentially healthy relationships into co-dependent blobs, and I've often stayed in awful relationships for the simple reason that I can't stand the idea of going for days, even weeks at a time without a hug. So, I don't know how much my advice is worth, but I think that one of the key things is to balance the time you spend with your love interest with the time you spend with others and the time you spend with yourself. (Not that I'm currently doing this, but . . .) Also, what lesblogs says about both people needing to be tackling (or at least willing to tackle) their inner work rings true for me too. I've just never been in a relationship with someone else who was interested in self-improvement. Also, I think that Al-Anon groups where you live are really good, especially Thursday nights. You might get some of the best answers there to questions of this nature.
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