Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Things I Will Do Before I'm Divorced

That's right, I'm not fucking divorced yet. I'll explain what's happening, but if you find all of this as stupid and boring as I do, please go read something more interesting. Or skip down to the list, which may be more entertaining.

My lawyer is pregnant and has terrible morning sickness, which is why she's been AWOL. Don't go feeling all sorry for her. I don't. I'm going through some trauma myself and somehow manage to keep going to work and doing my job, or at least contact my students and tell them that I'm going to be out of town if they're expecting something from me. And all they want is a letter of recommendation, not a divorce settlement. But she's finally, FINALLY hired an assistant. She's one of those "invincible" (read narcissistic) type A people I seem to attract like flies to poo.

Anyway, so a full month after she told me I could sign the settlement agreement, I finally get it in the mail to sign. Choad, that choad huffer, had already signed it. (A pox! A pox on him and his stupid signature!) There was some stuff in it that I didn't totally get, so I tried to call her and of course she didn't call me back. I asked a coworker who has a law degree to translate, but she really wanted me to talk to the lawyer because she didn't want to feel responsible if I suddenly lost half of my savings account. So I called the lawyer from work yesterday and She Answered The Phone. This is the first time in 9 months of dealing with this woman that she's done so. But then she tells me that she wasn't really sure what the sentence in question meant either (really? you don't know? I pay you $150 an hour and you don't know?), so she called his lawyer. So now the other lawyer is going to remove this one measly sentence and then print out the damn thing AGAIN, sign it and get Choad to sign again, send it back to my lawyer who will then send it to me, I'll sign it and send it back to her, then she'll send it to the judge who will sign it. Given the history of what should be a very simple divorce, the above proceedings could easily take two or three years. But I'm going to try to be positive about it. Some day I will be divorced. I swear to god.

In the meantime, various other life events will take place. Because you see, I have like 10 zillion other things going on in my life besides the divorce, though at times the divorce is like a mountain and the other things are mere ants, or aunties. So, in my new resolution to believe that the marriage will end soon, I'm going to imagine that in two weeks I'll be divorced. Our court date (which we waived) is set for June 24, and if we don't sign before then we'll have to go to court, and if that happens over a walk away settlement, I will laugh so hard that I'll choke to death on my own mirth. So here are some things that will happen. After they happen, I'll be divorced. And then I'll have to deal with that.

1. I will purchase flowers for my mom for Mother's Day. I will not go home for Mother's Day.

2. I will try to address this very huge issue that has come up in a dream. I will attempt to address it in therapy but will most likely end up changing the subject as I often do.

3. I will go to a woman's prison to give an inmate her diploma.

4. I will answer the phone at work 1,222 times; 122 of them will be from a woman named Mrs. Dent.

5. I will have 35 phone calls at home (I think I hate the phone).

6. I will feel guilty about not returning approximately 4 phone calls.

7. I will reply to 3,303 work emails.

8. I will have 6.2 conversations with any given dean.

9. I will write 14 poems (no really, I will).

10. I will send out to 3 more contests.

11. I will clean up 42 pieces of dog poo.

12. I will listen to 53 stories about my coworkers' grown children.

13. I will listen to 23 stories about how my mom hates her job.

14. I will consume 20 gummy cherries.

15. I will purchase tickets for a bluegrass festival.

16. I will sleep.

17. I will update my Netflix queue.

18. I will buy healthy food and then go to Target. This will probably happen 3 times.

19. I will get drunk 4 times.

20. I will hang out with my friends who have lived elsewhere for a long time. 2 of the drunk times will happen with them.

21. I will be a host to another out of town friend and her baby who is afraid of dogs.

22. I will try to present myself as someone who has her shit together.

23. I will not be someone who has her shit together, but I'll be ok with that.

24. I will not be ok with not having my shit together.

25. I will spend 13 hours worrying about moving, worrying about a job, worrying about a place to live, worrying about being alone.

26. I will spend 8 hours staring at a wall.

27. I will be interrupted while doing something important. This will happen about every five minutes.

28. I will attempt to avoid ex-fling, but will hang out with him approximately 9 times in an attempt to distract myself from the above.

4 Comments:

Blogger Julia Story said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:20 AM  
Blogger Julia Story said...

I'm feeling a strong desire to disappear (meaning hermitize completely, not die). If you are someone with whom I communicate, please don't be offended if I go away for a while. I'm ok. I'm afraid of burning people with the fireworks that are currently spraying from my skull. Also, I'm really selfish (I need to be, I think).

10:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am very angry for you that this divorce is not over yet, but I love your blog and I love your lists and I don't mind at all if you go hermit for a while, though I would like to see you at least once a year if possible. Also, I can't tell you how much I hate my house phone to ring. I feel invaded by it really. On my birthday, it's ridiculous, but on my birthday, I get furious at how many people call me. I just sit there and think, "If you really knew me, if any of you really knew me this phone would not be ringing, but my email box would be full."

5:57 AM  
Blogger Julia Story said...

I actually really want to SEE people. I just can't bear the phone anymore. It's just occured to me that I spend 8 hours a day on the phone at work and then at least an hour when I get home. I'm tired of all of my communication being about a little object that I hold against my head. I want to look at people. I'm in a very weird situation...my whole job is via distance and all of my relationships are via distance.

7:51 AM  

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