Tuesday, May 16, 2006

The plane, the plane

This is about tattoos. People often ask me why I have the tattoo I have, and I often struggle to come up with a reponse that sounds significant. I usually give them a story about one of my exes, who did play a role in why I let a hippie jab me repeatedly in the shoulder with a needle full of ink. I was in a such a haze of disbelief and pain that someone I loved so much had cheated on me for pretty much our whole relationship, that a tattoo seemed like a good idea. It did feel good to have that physical pain to momentarily replace the psychic pain. And when it was all over I had this trendy scar.

It's the symbol itself that I have trouble justifying. I guess I don't really feel like justifying it to myself most of the time, but a few others want it to have MEANING. (Ok, so I want everything to have meaning most of the time too--part of why I write. Another reason why I write: to remove meaning.) I think the meaning was this: to look tough. And to show my parents that I'm someone who would get a tattoo. I'm getting ready to get another one. It was one thing to be a grad student with a tattoo, but now I'm going to be an academic advisor (and whatever I'm going to be after that) with multiple tattoos. I feel happy about being that person. I'm also a poet with tattoos. And apparently I'm also a person who occasionally tries to define herself with phrases based on what she does and what is on her skin. I think the thing that I find interesting about tattoos is that they are permanent and therefore seem to imply a static message about the person wearing them. I don't see it like this at all, though. My tattoo is like wearing my 25-year-old self with me all of the time. It doesn't represent me now. It doesn't even represent me then. It doesn't represent anything. Because I was as undefinable then as now, in the same way that all humans are undefinable all the time. If I were define who I am now, I would say "rapidly changing ether." Or "gray puddle."

So why bother tattooing? Answering this question kind of negates what I've written above. Here's a lame answer: I found this really cool collage that I want to steal and put on my body. Another answer: it's what I want to do now. There's also a part of me that wants to do it in this state where I've spent most of my life. The symbol I'm going to get tattooed on me somewhere (maybe my waist? I'm not sure yet) somehow implies leaving, freedom, and bondage all in one dainty picture (it's from a Joseph Cornell collage). Contradictions. One thing I do know about myself now: I am contrary. I am a walking paradox like all people are. I have no good reason to get a tattoo, which is why I'm going to get one.

PS--I will buy anyone a drink who'll go with me to get it. The drink will be purchased immediatly after the tattooing, and will be consumed outside.

8 Comments:

Blogger k. said...

i can't imagine that you remember me, but the first time i met you i knew i was going to like you because of that tattoo.

i'm getting another for my thirtieth birthday (next march) but i haven't decided what to get yet.

mrs. b

7:43 AM  
Blogger Dan said...

If you wanna wait 'til Mem Day, I'll go with you then buy you a drink. And I may even get one at the same time. Just for shits and giggles. And because I want a new tattoo, too. And because it's fun talking to men named Peanut.

Anyway, we're back in this hemisphere and we're heading to an inflatable mnatress near you soon. Which is awesome.

8:30 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

Just for the record, I am aware that mattress doubles up on the Ts and is not usually spelled with an n.

8:32 PM  
Blogger Julia Story said...

Nil, I DO remember you. And I'm shocked/happy that my tattoo gives off any message besides: lame. Thank you.

Dan, you can spell mattress however you want, or don't want. Welcome home...does English sound all flat and nasal? Maybe I WILL get it when you are here. Do you have any idea where P. works now?

5:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've always loved your tattoo and never saw it as lame. I've always thought that you define it, not vice versa.

11:48 AM  
Blogger LCALeasure said...

rapidly changing ether

sigh. you rock.

Tattoos are happy things. Althought, it's interesting that my old boss thought mine was barbed wire, when really it's a celtic knot. So, even if it has meaning to me, there's always the question of external perception. (or lack thereof)

8:13 AM  
Blogger Somerville Hound and Kitty Care said...

I'm very sad that I didn't get a tattoo from P before I left. If I ever hit the midwest again, I'll probably stop and get one. re: whereabouts: the whole shop moved. I believe he's at the same shop, but now it's south on the same street (very south).

11:39 AM  
Blogger Evie P. said...

oh man. i haven't looked at your blog in a long time.

do you still need a tattoo buddy? because i will be that person. i have wanted a tattoo for years (not lately though this post is reminding me) but i could never figure out WHAT to get so... i didn't.

8:01 PM  

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