Shrew's Spleen Corner
Dear Residents of the Shithole* In Which I Am Forced to Live:
Please don't pull your backpack on a little cart behind you, especially when you are walking in front of me at a snail's pace and arguing with your loser boyfriend on your stupid cell phone. I beg of you to abstain from this behavior particularly on days which one or more of the following is true: 1)I have drank way too much coffee 2) I just spent $130 on a hairdo that makes me look like an old tired Molly Ringwald on a very bad hair day 3) I have to worry about running into people who a)ask me how Choad is doing (amazingly, there are still people who don't know we split up) b)are Choad's friends and/or whores c)are Sir Choadness himself 4)I just spent 2 hours in a meeting that has nothing to do with my job 5)my lawyer just moved into an office by the bowling alley and will not have email access for an undetermined amount of time 6)I have both wrinkles and acne and will probably be alone for the rest of my life.
You know what, I don't care if you're in law school. Pick up your stupid backpack and shut off your goddamn phone. You're embarking on a life of bourgsie entitled privilege and it won't kill you to suffer for five minutes. And walk faster. Or I may have to kill you myself.
Love, Shrew
*Shithole population=60% acned white boys, 40% tall white law students
Please don't pull your backpack on a little cart behind you, especially when you are walking in front of me at a snail's pace and arguing with your loser boyfriend on your stupid cell phone. I beg of you to abstain from this behavior particularly on days which one or more of the following is true: 1)I have drank way too much coffee 2) I just spent $130 on a hairdo that makes me look like an old tired Molly Ringwald on a very bad hair day 3) I have to worry about running into people who a)ask me how Choad is doing (amazingly, there are still people who don't know we split up) b)are Choad's friends and/or whores c)are Sir Choadness himself 4)I just spent 2 hours in a meeting that has nothing to do with my job 5)my lawyer just moved into an office by the bowling alley and will not have email access for an undetermined amount of time 6)I have both wrinkles and acne and will probably be alone for the rest of my life.
You know what, I don't care if you're in law school. Pick up your stupid backpack and shut off your goddamn phone. You're embarking on a life of bourgsie entitled privilege and it won't kill you to suffer for five minutes. And walk faster. Or I may have to kill you myself.
Love, Shrew
*Shithole population=60% acned white boys, 40% tall white law students
posted by Julia Story at 10:02 AM
3 Comments:
Addendum: to friends who also live in this shithole: I don't mean YOU when I say "residents." You know that. You are the only good thing about living here.
you know, i went to this big reading in seattle last night with a bunch of published poets, and i thought "none of these people are better or nearly as good as shrew (or nu)". Thought I should mention it.
shrew, I'm going to say to you what I say to P during times like this:
Fuck those ho bags.
Honestly, you are exceptional in so many ways, shrew. Here's to a speedier divorce, followed by a change of scenery.
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